Saturday, January 12, 2008

Whole Grain Fun

Remember when I told you about Matt's group of college buddies that are now obsessed with oatmeal? They were all supposed to order free samples, but one silly List member ordered THREE HUGE bags of Coach's oats. He sent Matt an email diary of his oatmeal experience, and it was so funny, that I'm posting it here.

The Coach's Oat Diet Journal
by our dearly beloved friend, Doogles.

Coach's Oats Diet – Day 1:

They arrived today. Four three pound bags.

And so it begins.

Coach's Oats Diet – Day 1: Addendum.

Made my first bowl. Stovetop method. One cup water. 1/3 cup Coach's Oats. One tablespoon organic brown sugar. One pat cholesterol reducing butter substitute. Ready in ten minutes (start to finish). Verdict: Delicious!

Coach's Oats Diet – Day 2:

My second Coach's Oats breakfast. I am pleased with my purchase.


Coach's Oats Diet – Day 6: Decision day.

My wife is annoyed. The cupboard needs space. I have no choice: Coach's Oats from here on out.

Coach's Oats Diet – Day 6: Addendum.

I think over my plan that night. Three meals a day, plus snacks, for four weeks. According to my calculations, this should enable me to consolidate down to three bags.

Yes. If horses can do it, so can I.

Coach's Oats Diet – Day 7: The First Full Day

Breakfast and lunch: good. Made an extra large helping for dinner. Mistake. Got cold on me. Stuck in my throat. Stay with standard serving. This is a marathon, not a sprint.

Don't be a hero.

Coach's Oats Diet – Day 8:

Back to basics. Breakfast okay, a little bland. Moderate after-effects from last night. Decided not to add extra sugar or butter. Mixed it up and put some salt in at lunch time. Makes all the difference in the world. Add to standard recipe (and reduce butter substitute). Dinner: cravings for something else strong, but not insurmountable with new salty recipe.

Coach's Oats Diet – Day 11:

The character of my bowel movements has changed dramatically.

Coach's Oats Diet – Day 12: The Argument.

"Why don't you give one of the bags to [your friend] Josh?" she said.

"Because they're special order and anyway I don't want to. And we'll be down to three bags in no time."

"Yes but it's kind of annoying seeing you eat nothing but oatmeal."

"Coach's Oats."

"Yeah, jeez, whatever, okay, I'm done."

Coach's Oats Diet – Day 12:

Nothing but oatmeal. Nothing but oatmeal. I couldn't get her words out of my head.

Eating my three bowls today was difficult. Resorted to microwave reheating on a couple of occasions.

Coach's Oats Diet – Day 13:

Got to try to distract myself now. Get my mind onto other things. Stop thinking about the next bowl.

Coach's Oats Diet – Day 15:

Eating it. Pooping it. Eating it. Pooping it.

Coach's Oats Diet – Day 16:

My wife has me sleeping on the couch. Farts.

Coach's Oats Diet – Day 17:

A difficult day. Fought a rising gorge at every turn. The last bites are the hardest.

Coach's Oats Diet – Day 18:

A moment of Zen today. Almost vomited on waking, just thinking about breakfast. Then it hit me. Raisins! Raisins!! Granola! Granola!! Additives!!!

Coach's Oats Diet – Day 19: The End.

Oh God, I had Round Table Pizza today for breakfast. So goddamn good. So goddamn good! I am defeated. Defeated by Coach's Oats!

"Uncle," Coach! UNCLE!!

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