I'll Be Back

This week I tried a new type of class at the gym. It's called Body Pump and it is a weightlifting class on steroids (pardon the pun).

The music during the class is AWESOME. Kanye West, REO Speedwagon mixes, Jewel- lots of stuff to keep your mind off the fact that every muscle in your body is screaming in agony and you have suddenly entered some black hole of time that makes every minute feel like a hundred years. The last time I felt like that, I was pushing an 8lb 7oz bundle of joy out my hooha and ready to curse my anesthesiologist.

There must be some prerequisite on my gym application that all instructors must fit some sort of stereotype. Remember the other class I took with the senior citizen Barbie? Today's class was taught by her cousin, Jack McFarland. My girlfriend nicknamed him this after he started having us do these dramatic flourishes and poses at the end of songs. She put her barbell down and turned around and waved her hands in front of her face and mouthed "Just Jack." I would have peed my pants if there was any liquid left in my body, but it was now seeping out of every pore and puddling into a pool of stank on the communal gym mat.

I now hurt. R-E-A-L-L-Y hurt. After the first class, I felt like an extra on the set of Cocoon- only there was no swimming pool of elixir that would convince this senior citizen to go get her thang on. My knees creaked anytime I sat down, my thighs were rebelling from the time continuum spent doing lunges and my granny flaps? They were now sufficiently freaked out and punish me with twinges for interrupting their fat spreading.

But I do like it. I like the way my body feels afterwards, and the muscle twinges are continual reminders that I shouldn't be eating more crap. I'm a bit of a results junkie though- and figure that after 2 classes, if I keep checking the mirror- my ass will now have raised 2 inches on the JLO scale and I should be looking hot. So NOT true- it will take much longer than that. But I'll be there, singing along to Love Shack with Jack and practicing my dramatic bench press poses at home.