It Was No Baby Ruth

It's the beginning of summer vacation, and surprisingly, I've already been inflicted with the most serious of seasonal maladies: Public Pool Phobia. In Houston, when the weather turns from spring to summer, your hair becomes so frizzy you look like Beaker from the Muppet Show, your body begins to sweat if you even think of venturing outside, and the local pools become your only source of refuge. I went swimming five times last week folks, and that does not count two rounds of swimming lessons. I am already tired of packing picnic lunches, and my pool bag is already at a mid-August level of dishevelment.

I think public pools are gross. As my kids frolic about, I scan the other swimmers- and take silent bets as to who is peeing in the pool first. I wonder who was freshly showered before they jumped in, or who will be the first to close the pool for a "biohazard." (i.e. literally "dropping some kids off at the pool"). Two weeks ago, we were swimming at the local YMCA, and I noticed the lifeguards scouring the pool deck with round after round of Clorox Bleach. I started chatting it up with the 15 year old lifeguard, and congratulated him on his thoroughness. "Wow! This pool deck is cleaner than my kitchen floor!" I gleefully stated- suddenly feeling confident that this level of cleanliness will surely prevent me from having a bout of Pool Phobia this year.

"Hey lady, you've got to be kidding. You should have seen what happened here yesterday." He calmly replies as his eyes burn from the fumes of the bleach.

WARNING! If you happen to be noshing on something right now, avert your eyes away from your monitor.

Some eight year old kid was frolicking in the pool with his parents, when he suddenly became the victim of a gastrointestinal nightmare. He jumped out of the pool, screaming his head off, and pulled his pants down about 20 feet from the bathroom door. As the entire pool deck watched in horror, he left a poop trail of sickly evidence as he made his way to the bathroom. The parents, completely humiliated, kept offering to clean up the mess as the lifeguards played "rock, paper, scissors" to divide up the task.

"This happened YESTERDAY?" I screamed as I suddenly realized I was standing on the now infamous poop deck without wearing any shoes.

"Um yeah." pimply faced Lifeguard says. "I just remembered that my supervisor told me not to tell anybody today, so don't blow my cover, ok?"

Public Pool Phobia 2008 is now in full force. It doesn't help that I witnessed a friend's kid puking in a different pool last Friday. I think I need to go lay down now.