Friday, October 15, 2010

Hold Me

I like to tell jokes. This is both a blessing, and a curse. My husband likes to think that I have a sixth sense to inappropriately inject humor into un-funny situations. I don't like to admit this, but he's right.

It happened again this week. My daughter's school hosted a "tea" for parents. At 2:00 in the afternoon, on a Thursday. I put on a dress, took out my greasy ponytail, applied some makeup and tried to act well mannered. The tea took place in an empty 4th grade classroom. The head of the lower school sat in the middle of a horseshoe of tiny chairs- and encouraged the parents to join her in a casual conversation of raising children.

Sounds pretty harmless, right? Sitting next to me was an older mom- probably late 40's. Gorgeous. She was wearing a designer dress, beautiful boots. She had a huge men's sized Rolex on one wrist- a chunky gold bracelet on the other. Apparently, she has a third grade daughter that is growing up way too quickly for her comfort level.

During a conversation of study skills, Men's Rolex Lady continually asked why the third graders got so much homework. "There's no time to smell the grass!" she complained. She then went on to say that she decidedly refused to allow her daughter to participate in any after school activities this year because "this is the last year she'll want to spend time with me and I'm going to enjoy it. "

Alrighty. The conversation then shifted to advice the more seasoned parents could give new parents arriving to the school- and instead of suggesting the fall festival, or Santa's Breakfast, Men's Rolex Lady pipes up and encourages us to "just hold your little ones. Hold them for as long as you can."

That's when Genius me piped up and giggled, "Sounds like someone needs to hold YOU."

Oof. It was like all of the air sucked out of the room and I suddenly morphed into Fozzie Bear looking for the big hook to drag me off stage. Men's Rolex Lady's eyes got hard, and she stared at me for a full five seconds while I squirmed and felt that my little seat was growing smaller by the minute.

Someone quickly changed the subject. I kept my mouth shut for the rest of the affair. Afterwards, I approached Mens Rolex Lady, and apologized- explaining that I was just kidding, and that I hoped I had not hurt her feelings. And in the meantime? I need to brush up on my manners- these Southern ladies mean business.


Anonymous said...

"Wocka, Wocka!" I feel ya. I think it's genetic. We have friends visiting from Cananda - 4 guys, staying with another friend the next town over. Went to see them last night, and when I walked in the door and they all approached to greet me with hugs, etc., I loudly exclaimed, "WHOA! It smells like Canada in here!". I thought it would be funny, but no one laughed, and I think I offended them! I tried saying, "I'm just kidding, I think it's just the beer" but I only succeeded in digging my hole deeper. And I do this kind of stuff all. the. time. If it runs in the family, at least we can't help it. Kinda makes me feel better. :)

Love ya!

Anonymous said...

Kristen, that is so funny! I can also totally relate. My sense of humor seems to come out wrong sometimes too!! My husband is even worse....when he gets nervous, he says all kinds of inappropriate things....makes us real winners at dinner parties!!

Laura said...

Boy do I miss you. So glad the girls are well. Hope Halloween was fun and full of color. Be sure to tell Pam that Kate says hi. xxoo